Are You Insane?

The other day, my partner and I were invited to have dinner with a couple of our friends.  During our conversation, one of our friends asked me why people keep making the same mistakes over and over again.  He had, apparently been observing this phenomenon with some other people he knew.  All of us at the table knew the definition of insanity that has been floating around the last few years, which is insanity is when a person keeps making the same mistakes expecting different results. So obviously, this pattern of behavior is quite commonplace and all of us are guilty of it to some degree.  I did not have an immediate, specific answer to my friend’s question, and probably said something like it was most likely multicausal and I would think about the answer.  I have an answer for him now.

Rather than being complex or multicausal, the answer is really simple and straightforward.  The reason people keep making the same mistakes over and over again is that we are all living with the same illusion (false belief).  We believe we will find happiness from someone or something outside ourselves.  A Course in Miracles answers my friend’s question magnificently.

“The ego’s plan for salvation (happiness) centers around holding grievances.  It maintains that, if someone else spoke or acted differently, if some external circumstance or event changed, you would be saved (happy).  Thus, the source of salvation (happiness) is constantly perceived as outside yourself.  Each grievance you hold is a declaration, and an assertion in which you believe, that says, “If this were different, I would be saved (happy).”  The change of mind necessary for salvation (happiness) is thus demanded of everyone and everything except yourself. . . This ensures that the fruitless search will continue, for the illusion persists that, although this hope has always failed, there is still grounds for hope in other places and other things.  Another person will yet serve better; another situation will yet offer success.”

Do you see the relevance of this truth to your life and the mistakes you have made?  I do in my life.  For example, during this last year, I bought a piece of lake property in a different state in Mexico, thinking I would be happier living near water again.  I grew up in Minnesota where I either had immediate access to a lake or owned lake property. After building a house and living on lake Patzcuaro for 6 months, am I happier?  The answer is “no!”  I am not more unhappy, but some of my same-old anxieties, conflicts, and issues have all resurfaced in one way or another.

The reason for this is clear.  I moved because I believed I would be happier when I made a change in the outside world of physical form,  The truth is, changing circumstances in any way (a new partner, a new house, a new job, more money, less or more responsibility, etc.) will not make you happier. The only way to be happier is to change your mind about what you believe to be true.

The belief that you will find happiness “out there,” has to go, or you will repeat the same mistakes.  Changing a long and deeply held belief like this is usually very challenging.  We cling to this misleading belief like we hang on to an old pair of mended socks with new holes!  The usual path to discarding any insane, invalid belief is through suffering.  We finally reach our pain tolerance threshold where we say, “I have had enough.  I can’t do this anymore,” and we ask for help to end the pain.

I saw this phenomenon countless times while working in the field of addictions for 40 years, whether it was drugs, alcohol, gambling, or something else.  Underlying the addicts’ repetitive destructive behavior was always the belief that they could control it, and not until they took that first step of admitting their powerlessness and accepting help, did their lives once again begin to become manageable.

Are you ready to let go of the insane belief that you will find happiness “out there?”  If your answer is “yes,” you begin by finding ways to be happy now.  That is, even though your life circumstances are not exactly as you would like them to be, accepting them as they are is a necessary first step.  In Practicing the Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle asserts that we are always in one or the other of two states of mind–acceptance or resistance.  Resistance seems to be the predominant state of mind in the world today, and when in resistance, life is filled with friction, tension, conflict, resentment, anger, disappointment, disillusionment, and despair. 

Conversely, acceptance is going with the ebb and flow of life, engaging with what is without complaining, whining, resenting, or blaming.  Acceptance is not “giving up.”  Rather, acceptance is maintaining clarity, centerness, and calmness so you effectively respond to whatever your life circumstances are now.  You do not panic and make choices that repeat the same mistakes.  The belief that you will find happiness outside yourself energizes fear, and whenever you act from any form of fear, you risk bringing the same painful past into the present.  Tolle writes, “To offer no resistance to life is to be in a state of grace, ease, and lightness.  This state is then no longer dependent upon things being in a certain way, good or bad.”

Happiness can be found under the most dire and extraordinary circumstances because of the power of the human mind.  In any difficult, painful, or confusing situation, first seek clarity and peace.  Then, if you still perceive you need to change what is, find a way to do it.  Because now, you will make a better choice and NOT make the same mistake!  AND, you will be a little less insane.