One summer day I left my cabin in the Minnesota woods to drive an hour and a half into town, where I stayed for a couple of nights. While in town, the weather changed dramatically with two successive 90 degree days and strong southwest winds. Upon my return to the cabin, I immediately checked the hanging baskets of flowers I had planted in late May. The two baskets of petunias looked fine, as did the one of yellow pansies. The flowers in the other basket had not fared so well. They had withered—drooping listlessly from the basket. Alarmed, I hurried to fill the watering can, and gave the flowers a thorough soaking. I worried whether they would perk up again, or if they were past the point of no return. To my delight, about an hour later when I checked them, the flowers looked bright and perky.
I thought about nourishing and neglect, and how they are opposite sides of the same coin. Relationships require a certain amount of nourishing in order to thrive. If too much neglect occurs, like the flowers, the relationship weakens and withers. Some relationships require more nourishing than others, but all need the sustenance of attention, affection, and appreciation to some degree. If the amount falls below the threshold, trouble looms.
In my experience as a therapist, all too often, when a couple arrives at my office for help, because of neglect, the relationship is at a critical stage of deterioration. At this juncture, it needs an immediate, massive infusion of nourishment in order to survive. Unfortunately, one partner or the other has withdrawn emotionally and is either incapable or unwilling to switch to a nourishing mode. Usually, it is the woman, because up to now, she has been trying to get her partner’s attention, affection, and appreciation for a long time, but her partner has ignored, sidestepped, or deflected all her attempts to engage. Now, she is ready to leave, just when she finally has his attention.
Typically, men tend to be overly self-centered and self-absorbed, and they neglect their partner’s emotional needs. However, sometimes a man notices the signs of wilting soon enough and responds appropriately. What he is most likely to notice is the lack of affection, and especially when he and his partner are no longer having sex. Unless sex has never been a vital part of a relationship, it is a sure sign that when sex ceases, the lack of nourishment has reached a critical level.
I am relieved I noticed my wilting flowers in time, and with a large dose of water, they revived. However, I will be more attentive, because each time they wilt, it takes a little more nourishment and a longer time for them to rebound.
Months later in the middle of winter, I was again reminded of the importance of nourishment, but in an entirely different way. Alone at the cabin, I had started a blazing fire in the wood-burning stove. It was a beautiful winter day with no wind and about 4 inches of freshly fallen snow. The woods beckoned me to put on my cross-country skis and hit the trails winding through the black-barked trees. I grabbed my skis and headed for the trails. About an hour and a half later, I returned. Upon entering, I quickly noticed the blazing fire had dwindled to a pile of gray coals. Thankfully, there was still enough life left that I was able to revive the fire with some kindling and a few logs. Afterward, I sat down and wrote this poem.
Extinguished
The fire burns brightly.
Flames eagerly embrace,
Envelop, consume their source.
Lively, enthusiastic while feeding.
Weakening, shrinking unless
Frequently fed.
Withhold, neglect. . .
Flames flounder, vanish.
Hot coals glow, waiting wordlessly
For more sustenance.
Untended, dwindling, but ready
To leap and bound again if fed.
Ignore. . . delay. . .
Too late!
Red eyes close behind
Gray lids.
White ashes chill to cold.
Throw them out.
Start over.
Ignite another flame.
There are many ways to nourish relationships. Keep your flames burning.