If you have clicked on this post, you most likely are a spiritual seeker and parent or grandparent.  Furthermore, you may be someone who was raised with organized religion but have drifted away from going to church and participating in religious activities at all.  You may feel some guilt about this, especially now that you have young children because you want them to have some religious instruction and/or church community experience as you did.  At the same time, you do not want to expose them to the disturbing aspects of organized religion that you may have encountered growing up, like forced church attendance and Sunday school, harsh or punitive religious dogma, prolonged catechism/confirmation instruction, or even worse a sexual predator.  Yet, you want your children to become kind, honest, secure, respectful, principled, responsible adults.  What a dilemma!  Like so many disaffected religious people, you may have thrown the baby out with the bathwater, but you are not comfortable with your decision.  There is a way to resolve your unease.  Teach your children spirituality.

What Is Spirituality?

I define spirituality conceptually as an interest in or awareness of an inexhaustible, ever-present, and all-encompassing harmonizing, infusing energy that is larger, fuller, deeper, wiser, stronger, and brighter than we are.  This is manifested behaviorally by actions taken to experience, access, deepen, and express that interest.  The extreme example of this is the mystic or contemplative, who devotes his or her entire life to unifying with this energy. 

Notice I have avoided using the word, God.  This is purposeful because the word has too many various, contradictory, and negative meanings to be useful in this context.  Besides, I believe one can be spiritual without believing in the Divine.  Nevertheless, including a Divine component is most typical, so I will refer to the Divine throughout this post.  I have searched for words to substitute for the word “God,” ones that do not have many negative connotations.  Here are some of them: the Divine, Higher Power, the Presence, Divine  Consciousness, the Radiance, Being, and Love/Intelligence.  The last expression I learned from Dr. Thomas Hora, the existential metapsychiatrist in his book Beyond the Dream.  His definition of God as Love/Intelligence is very compelling.  Choose whatever expression works best for you, because that one will be the one you can best articulate to your children.  All of them refer to the inexhaustible and eternal Source which animates, sustains, and enhances all existence.  

Teaching spirituality to children seems like a daunting task, because of the abstractness of the concept.  Young children are primarily sensory, concrete creatures, so descriptions of God as “spirit” or “love” are apt to elude or confuse them, or leave them somewhat indifferent. There is the story of the little girl who spent her first day at Bible camp.  During the day and evening, she was enthralled with all the activities, new friends, and storytelling around the bonfire.  However, later that evening a counselor found her crying in her bed.  The counselor tried to comfort her in every way she could think of but to no avail.  Finally, the counselor attempted to reassure her saying, “God is always with you.”  The little girl, unconvinced, replied, “Yeah, I know, but I want a God with skin on.” (Taken from Gently Lead by Polly Berrien Berends.)

Spirituality Is a Daily Practice

Now is the time to put the “skin” on spirituality.  Guess what?  YOU are the skin!  Parents teach spirituality primarily by example.  The quality of a parent’s consciousness, what he or she pays attention to, shapes the child’s spirituality.  So, the foundation for teaching spirituality to your children is establishing and nurturing a deep spirituality yourself.  Polly Berrien Berends in the preface to her marvelous book, Gently Lead, writes, “I didn’t write Gently Lead to tell people how or what to teach their children, but to share my own discovery of what a rich, mutual spiritual journey our ordinary, everyday lives are.”

Incorporating an awareness of Divine presence in everyday life is characteristic of many of the world’s wisdom traditions.  In orthodox Judaism, spiritual practices and expressions are woven into the fabric of daily living.  One way this is done is by repeatedly reciting the Shema, a combination of passages from the Torah–sacred Jewish scripture.  Part of the Shema is in Deuteronomy 6: 4-9 of the Bible.  

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, and the Lord alone.  You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might.  Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart.  Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise.  Bind them as a sign on your hand, fix them as an emblem on your forehead, and write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.

Imagine how aware of Divine Presence children would be if their parents honored this practice!

Another example of weaving spirituality into the tapestry of daily living is Native Americans.  Their use of ceremony, ritual, symbols, sacred objects, myth, dance, and storytelling established and sustained an ongoing awareness of the spiritual in all members of the community, especially the children.  Unfortunately, the loss of spiritual traditions has had a devastating effect on Native American cultures, and only in recent years has there been a resurgence of interest in reclaiming and reenacting these precious and sacred practices.

There are many behavioral practices that are portals to Divine Presence.   Ceremony, prayer, meditation, mindfulness, and storytelling are the most common practices.  In this post, I discuss ceremony and storytelling.  “Teaching Spirituality to Children: Part II examines prayer, meditation, and mindfulness.

Ceremony

Ceremony is a formalized way to acknowledge, sanctify, or celebrate significant developmental milestones or social events in the life of your family and/or community.  An example from orthodox Judaism is the bar mitzvah.  This is a ceremony by which Jewish boys, at the age of 13, accept the positive commandments of Judaism and are officially counted as adult members of the community.  I recently reread Roots by Alex Haley which recounts several generations of his family history beginning in the small African village of his first ancestors.  Recognizing and celebrating transitions such as girls having their first period or boys entering manhood was a constant theme in the life of every family and the community.

The rudiments of ceremony are already practiced by most families when they celebrate birthdays.  Why not establish a spiritual aspect to birthdays?  A birthday celebration in a spiritual context could unfold like this:

• The immediate or extended family gather together, perhaps a religious representative such as a pastor or rabbi is present
• Parents announce that the child is beginning his/her ___ year, and express gratitude and joy to the Divine for the gift of the child to them and to the world
• Prayers, poetry, songs, storytelling (perhaps a video saga of the child’s development) are shared
• The parents and the child choose an appropriate gift to give to someone else, a worthy cause, or a specific charitable organization, or some charitable act of service is agreed upon such as planting a tree, working at a local food bank, or visiting a nursing home, etc.
• Family shares a special meal, and a gift is given to the child which heightens her/his awareness of the Divine, perhaps a symbol or sacred object
• The agreement to serve is carried out at the earliest opportune time

You may have mighty protests at first from children who are accustomed to celebrating birthdays the usual way!  However, I believe the children will come to appreciate these changes.  Better yet, is to initiate a ceremony like this on a child’s first birthday, and every birthday thereafter so they come to expect this time to be a spiritual experience.

Other opportunities to establish ceremonies are parents’ birthdays, wedding anniversaries, starting school, beginning junior high school or middle school, seasonal marking points, vacations, and other developmental events and family milestones.

Storytelling

Stories, parables, narrative poems, legends, and myths are rich and deep ways to communicate spiritual concepts from one generation to the next.  These methods are, perhaps, the best way to put skin on spirituality, because they typically tell of the exploits, triumphs, trials, aspirations, and inspirations of men and women in relation to the Divine.  I remember as a child a well-worn book we had of Bible stories.  I was fascinated by David’s victory over Goliath, Sampson’s strength, Ruth’s loyalty, and Moses’ mission to free Israel from the Pharaoh.  All the world’s major religious writings are rife with riveting, spine-tingling, and enlightening stories that children enjoy hearing over and over again.  I strongly recommend these stories be told or read to children at bedtime, or set aside a special time each week just for stories that express and reveal the Divine at work in people’s lives.  

Tell your own stories to your children as well.  I am sure you have had your moments of illumination, difficult times when you sought the Divine or unexpected happenings of joy or rescue.  Sometimes just sharing gratitude over someone’s kindness or generosity is a way to point to the Divine.  

Storytelling and story reading are learnable skills.  There are national organizations dedicated to preserving and spreading the art of storytelling, and most of them have local chapters where you can listen to stories or learn how to become a storyteller.  The National Storytelling Network is an outstanding resource if you have an interest in pursuing this further.

There is a great need for spirituality, perhaps now more than ever.  In the next post, “Teaching Spirituality to Children: Part II,” I will address prayer, meditation, and mindfulness as portals to introducing children to the Divine.  Today’s children will be tomorrow’s adults.  What will be their contribution to elevating human consciousness?

Teaching Spirituality to Children: Part II

In Teaching Spirituality to Children: Part I, we explored the meaning of spirituality and its active expression through ceremony and storytelling.  In this post, we look at prayer, meditation, and mindfulness as additional ways to incorporate spirituality into daily family living.

Prayer

What is your experience with prayer?  As a child did you have bedtime and/or mealtime prayers?  Did you pray alone, or always with one or more family members?  Did you pray in church?  Did you memorize any prayers?  What kind of impact did praying usually have for you?  Do you recall as a child any powerful moments while praying when you felt the presence of the Divine–deep peace, extraordinary joy, amazing comfort?  Were you ever frightened when praying?  Did you feel your prayers were answered?  Did you become disillusioned with prayer?

These are just a few questions to get you reconnected with your childhood experiences with prayer.  If you want to teach your children to pray, you first need to be comfortable with praying yourself.  If you already have a rich and deep prayer life, teaching your children to pray will be easier.  However, learning to pray along with your children can be an extremely rewarding process for all of you.

The field of psychology has only recently shown an interest in studying the effects of prayer.  Thanks to the pioneering book Character Strengths and Virtues by Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson, the school of positive psychology emerged.  Positive psychology focuses on understanding and promoting practices that contribute to harmony, goodwill, generosity, kindness, compassion, and any other characteristics that elevate human consciousness.  If you are interested in learning more about the power of prayer, Google “psychological studies of prayer,” and you will find hundreds to review.  The overwhelming finding from these studies is certain types of prayer have measurable and long-term psychological benefits.

There are basically two types of prayer–prayers of asking and prayers of thanking. Prayers of asking can be for self or others.  Prayers of asking usually have a specific, concrete outcome in mind such as the healing of a sick relative.  Teaching children prayers of asking can be problematic from a psychological standpoint because if a child prays for a specific outcome that does not happen, self-doubt, disappointment, and disillusionment are apt to arise.  So, if you engage in intercessory prayer with a child, I recommend you tell the child what he or she wants may not be what is best for everyone, and to trust that whatever the results of the prayer are, his or her prayer was heard and in some way made a positive contribution to the outcome.  

There is a type of prayer of asking which avoids these pitfalls.  I call it a prayer of opening because the intent of the prayer is to open yourself to seeing a painful, difficult situation differently so you can be peaceful, comforted, reassured, or enlightened.  You simply ask your Source to help you see this person, situation, or event differently so you have clarity and understanding.  This way of praying enables you to step back and take responsibility for your state of mind and to move from fear to trust.  Essentially, this is a prayer of recognition and receptivity.  You recognize that you do not know enough to judge the outcome and you trust you will be able to access your inner Knowing or your Source to guide you.  From there trust, which is the absence of fear, becomes the state of mind you maintain and nourish as you move forward.

Teaching young children a prayer of opening is actually quite uncomplicated because they are usually more trusting and open-minded than most adults.  As an example, let’s say a beloved family dog is extremely sick.  The child wants to pray for the dog to get well.  What do you say or do?  You could say,  “Ok, let’s pray for Fido to get well. Let’s remember though, we don’t know for sure what is best for Fido, so let’s also ask to be able to accept whatever happens and believe it is best for Fido.”

Prayers of thanking are straightforward in that you express gratitude, joy, appreciation, praise, or any other expression of thankfulness to the Divine.  This type of prayer is very important if you want to inculcate in your children humility and a sense of connectedness with a Higher Power.  So many of today’s youth have a sense of entitlement which is the opposite of gratitude.   Encountering an attitude of entitlement in a child is not a pleasant experience, and typically has an alienating, distancing effect.  Whereas, a child who expresses appreciation connects him or her with other people and Divine Presence.  Prayers of thanksgiving also instill in a child a sense of abundance which leads to generosity.  

Meditation

Meditation is a structured method for getting quiet inside and outside so as to be receptive to peace, clarity, joy, or the presence of the Divine.  Teaching children to meditate involves more direct instruction because it has a consistent sequence of specific steps. I will be brief here because there is so much useful material available to teach children meditation.  Google “teaching meditation to children” and you will find an overwhelming amount of information.  Excellent instructional videos are available from numerous sources and from different religious traditions.  Below is a guide to teaching meditation to children which is a prototype for most methods.  As in teaching anything to children, setting the example is the most effective.

Guidelines for Teaching Meditation to Children

1. Start teaching as early as age 5 with some children.  At a minimum, the child needs to be able to sit still for one minute.  At the younger ages, sometimes just getting the child to sit still for one minute is a good beginning.
2. Choose a time of day when you are unlikely to have interruptions.  Find a regular time when the child is apt to be most receptive.  Before naptime, after breakfast or lunch, or before bedtime are good.  Begin by helping the child find a comfortable position.  It does not have to be a Yogic position and can be on the floor or in a chair, preferably a comfortable chair that supports the neck and shoulders.  Watch carefully and see if the child keeps shifting positions because that usually means he or she is not comfortable.  An erect posture is best.  With very young children you can sit them in your lap or you can sit face to face.  When children are around age 7+ and you do not need to watch them carefully, you can sit back to back.
3. Ask the child to close his eyes and to pay attention to his breathing.   Watch him inhale/exhale a few times.  Tell the child that when he pays attention to his breathing, he magically starts breathing more slowly and deeply.  Watch closely and see if he needs more encouragement to slow and deepen his breathing.
4. When the child appears calm and is breathing rhythmically, you can introduce something for her to focus upon.  The point of focus can be a word, an image, a phrase, or just her breathing.  Ask the child what she would like to focus upon, because she may have a better idea than you do.  Keep it as simple as possible though, and it is best if it is calming, soothing, pleasing, or harmonizing.  If you focus just on the breathing you can tell a child when she breathes in, she is breathing in healing, loving, Divine energy, and when she breathes out, she is releasing any harmful, hurtful energy.  Sometimes you can have a child focus on an object.  I once taught an anxious 7-year old boy to meditate by giving him a smooth river rock to grasp in his hands.  He chose his rock from a large bowl of river rocks.   Holding the rock while breathing deeply was very effective because as he held the rock, he warmed it.  I told him it was his strong, brave energy within him that warmed the rock, and he could take that wherever he went. 
5. In the beginning stages of teaching meditation, you end the session when you see the timing is right.  Very young children can meditate for 1 to 3 minutes.  By age 7, kids can last from 5 to 7 minutes.  After that, a rule of thumb is one minute for each year of the child.
6. Always be available to the child during and after the meditation session.  Be prepared to answer any questions, and remind him or her to use their good energy throughout the day.

Mindfulness

I define mindfulness as “meditating on the move.”  The two most important aspects of mindfulness are alertness and being in the present moment.  Mindfulness can be practiced without reference to the Divine and still be useful and enriching.  However, by incorporating the Divine into mindfulness you add the dimension of the sacred and holy.  The beauty of mindfulness is you can practice it anywhere, at any time, in any circumstances, and during any activity.  In fact, proponents of mindfulness recommend being mindful every minute of every day–whether you are washing dishes or on a nature hike.  Once again, the best way to teach it is to be it.  

Young children are naturally mindful so they are easy subjects.  In fact, preschool children could teach us a few things about mindfulness if we pay enough attention.  Have you ever taken a two or three-year-old for a walk?  I have as a parent and as a grandparent.  As a parent, I remember being impatient, because my son or daughter was not focused on getting from point A to point B.  I remember frequently hurrying them when they tried to detour to smell a flower or say hello to a neighbor, or roll in some green grass.  As a grandfather, I became a much more attentive companion.  No longer in a constant hurry, I meandered and wandered right along with my grandchild.  Here are a few suggestions for teaching mindfulness.

1. When you are with your child, be fully present.  You do this by observing, listening to, and participating with the child.  Do not bring distractions like cell phones, computers, Chromebooks, or tablets.
2. In any context with your child, feel free to express wonder, delight, curiosity, joy, assurance, or gratitude. These are all expressions of mindfulness.  Being in nature is an easy portal to the Divine for many adults and children alike.  Nature walks, fishing, canoeing, biking, cross country skiing, hiking, and picnicking are opportune times to practice mindfulness.  However, mindfulness can also be practiced at home during a meal, while taking a shower or bath, when completing a chore or task, and so on.
3. Mindfulness can be a helpful tool for children in times of stress.  For example, if at dinner a child expresses anxiety about taking a test the next morning at school, you could say, “I’m glad you want to do well on your test tomorrow.  How about we just focus on the present moment instead of worrying about it now.  We can either interrupt dinner and study right now, or we can enjoy this great meal together and study when we are done.”  When a child is pouting, worrying, or complaining, or is in any other fearful state, you can gently bring his or her attention back to the present moment.

Mindfulness is probably the best way to put skin on spirituality for children because if practiced daily, it can become a way of life characterized by alertness, gratitude, joy, delight, wonder, peace, curiosity, reverence and harmony.  The Vietnamese monk, Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the best-known proponents of mindfulness, was once interviewed by Oprah Winfrey.  Watch that interview and you will see the kind of presence that is achievable through all the spiritual practices I have described in this two-part series.  As Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young sang, “Teach your children well!”